AvP: Alien vs. Predator - (2004)
Note - This post is for Jon and Tim, so they will get off my back...

Ever have one of those nights where you get liquored up real, *real* good and make a very poor decision? It usually involes someone you meet at the bar named "Big Bertha" who is about as attractive as a skunk under your left-front tire... The next morning you realize you have made a mistake, but in the heat of the moment you couldn't care less. You're drunk dammit!

A while back, (like August), I got liquored up real, *real* good and made a very bad decision. Somehow, I came to the conclusion that the uber-geeky, fan-boy's masterbatory fantasy known as AvP would be a good movie to see. We knew it would be rough, so, just as you would before heading back to your new "friend's" place, I pounded all the extra CH₃CH₂OH that my body could handle, prayed that the ticket-taker wouldn't guess my BAC from my breath, staggered to my seat, and prepared myself to see a very shitty movie.

Now, you know those moments when you are about to lay the wood to your new-found companion and you suddenly have the epiphany that despite the fact that you can't stand, can't feel 90% of your body, and somehow think that the wobbling of the celing fan is the funniest shit you've ever seen, you take one look at "Beautiful Big Bertha" and realize that you *still* aren't drunk enough? That moment pretty much sums up the experience of AvP.

The plot is a direct rip off of Lovecraft's "At the Mountains of Madness" (Team journey to the plains of Antarctica and discovers the ruins of an ancient alien people, then shit happens, etc.)

The characters are so generic that we could, even in our drunkeness, identify the following characters within the first five minutes: the 'spunky-but-lovable-nerd-who-will-get-waxed-early-so-we-will-feel-bad-guy', the 'badass-dude-who-will-should-make-it-but-will-be-killed-so-that-we-think-the-monsters-are-badass-guy', and the 'take-charge-female-who-will-be-the-only-one-who-lives-girl'.

"But wait!" you say. "This movie isn't about characters or plot! All I care about is the uber-geek action!" Sorry. Even the fights are so predictable that you will find yourself (before a fight even starts) knowing exactly when the monster will jump out, exactly how the fight will progress, and certainly how the fight will end. Hell! Take a good guess at what cheesy one-liner will be dropped and you will probably be right. Ummm... "Die, you like ugly mother-fucker!" Bingo!

Simply put: This film sucks. Even a pre-teen fanboy who bought a ticket to the latest Disney film and snuck into AvP would think that it was a pile of shit.

So just like the morning after "Big Bertha", I was left with not only a hangover, but the shame of having to face my friends, them knowing full well what I did the night before...

Rating: NR (Yes, even after a fifth of JD...)
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- posted by Stephen @ 1:54 PM